Weaning - My experience of Mother Led vs Baby Led weaning. Louise David Lactation consultant.

Weaning - mother led vs baby led

At first thought, weaning is just weaning, isn't it? To some the process appears to be very straight forward and to others it can be over complicated by stress, pressure from others and unwillingness from either part of the breastfeeding dyad. When you introduce the terms mother led and baby led it lends the idea that there are different approaches to weaning and that the two can be vastly different.

As with all things mothering, everyone's experiences are different and everyone's reasons unique. I value these differences and I share here my own experience with hope of allowing others insight into another's way. I have had two personal breastfeeding relationships with three children. I share here the stories of my weaning. I lead the weaning of my twins and I later experienced self weaning with my third child, Rhys.

Before i get into my stories i want to point out the difference between self weaning and a nursing strike or breast refusal. Breast refusal happens suddenly and can occur at any age. There is usually, but not always a reason, ie mum sick, baby sick, teething baby, mestruation returned or many other possible reasons. Self weaning is a gradual process and rarely occurs in babies under two or three years of age.

My twins were born in October of 2006 they were 9 weeks early and slowly slowly over weeks and months we learnt the art of breastfeeding. We eventually hit our stride and learned to love breastfeeding somewhere around the 8 month mark. The joys and advantages for us were so very evident, and are what made us continue without any question, if it was the right thing for us to do or not. There were things I loved and things I really didn't love about breastfeeding the twins as they became older toddlers.

Kane at 2 and a half.

The things i loved:
Feeding to sleep.
Feeding to prolong a day sleep, if they woke up after only a little while.
A boob to fix a boo boo.
A boob to fix a tantrum/fight with brother.
Extra germ protection as they entered the world of day care.
Reconnection after a long shift at work or a sleepover at grandma's.
The educational factor as they asked for a boob public.

Things I didn't like as they entered toddler hood:
They were getting so big and heavy.
I needed to be comfy to feed and that wasn't always possible.
If one wanted a boob, they both wanted one.

I had some beautiful role models around me at the time I was feeding my twins. Many of my friends were entering their third and even forth years of breastfeeding their babies. I loved the idea of this, the idea of self weaning. I wanted this for my twins and for myself. I wanted to know that my twins had acess to all that the boob was to them, for as long as they wanted. This wasn't to be.  The things I didn't like about breastfeeding toddler twins were subconsciously really bothering me. From the age of two I began to gently encourage the boys away from the breast. At the time I thought of this as self weaning. It made me feel better about it if I looked at it that way.

How I encouraged the twins off the breast:
I would ask them to feed one at a time, they didn't like this and would usually wait till they were abe to feed together, once we could sit or got back home etc.
I would only allow a quick feed, once they snuggled in I'd say ok all done and distract them off another way.
I night weaned them by age two.

Over the next few months they fed les and less, they could go off to bed with out boob If I was at work or get up and start the day with out boob if daddy got up with them.  The last weeks of feeding could go by with a boob or two only every few days. Even after I'd considered them officially weaned we would go to an ABA meeting and one or both would be inspired by the little bubbas breastfeeding and hop on for old times sake.

I managed to breastfeed the twins till they were two and a half. I'm so proud of my efforts. It was only later down the track where I'd have times I wished I let them continue and self wean, I know in my heart I did what was best for us at the time.

The twins breastfeeding at 2 and a half.

Enter little Rissole 2 years later, the twins are now nearly 5. Rhys the master educator of all things baby and breastfeeding. I'd come to realise and accept that the twins weaning was mother led, I knew I wanted different for Rhys and would try to allow him to self wean when ever he was ready. I had prepared myself for the potential of the next 4 or 5 years if breastfeeding if that's what Rhys wanted and if it was ok for my family at the time. I hadn't prepared myself for the possibility of Rhys self weaning at only 2 yrs old though.

How wrong my ideas were, when Rhys was 13 mths old his dad and I seperated, the resilience of my three boys and especially baby Rhys will always inspire me. Rhys had to very quickly learn that mummy and boob wasn't the centre of his universe anymore. Slowly over the weeks, when mummy and Rhys were ready, he had his first sleep over with daddy. Rhys and daddy coped very well, mummy coped well too.

When Rhys was at daddy's Initially I would pump, Rhys would have a bottle of milk before bed, when Rhys came home to mum he'd tap at my chest and click his tongue, and we'd reconnect with a boob.

Rhys didn't skip a beat, as months went by he could go camping with dad for four days, come home and hop straight back on where he left off.

Initially my supply coped well. I'd pump when he would normally feed when he wasn't with me. Soon though I noticed I was pumping less and less, he was getting more and more active and busier with his brothers and naturally feeding less anyway.

Rhys 15 months.

There was a point around him being 15 mths old or so when there could be 24 hours between a boob, I decided to wean one breast and from there on he only fed on the left breast. This allowed the one breast to be emptied more frequently. My breasts involuted and my supply was minimal that I wouldn't be uncomfortable even after Rhys being away for a weekend camping.

Rhys was unphased by all the going ones around him, he was unphased by the low supply, the one breast, he just needed the comfort and security that one little breast provided and he had free access to that.

Rhys thrived in his new life between mums and dads, soon he didn't need that boob the second he walked through the door. He was beginning to wean himself.

I'd offer boob, he'd think about it, might even make mouth to boob, but whatever he was doing would win over. The difference when the twins asked for a boob at this age, I'd reluctantly oblighe or try to encourage them away.

Don't offer don't refuse... 

I believe this statement to be the whole basis of self weaning, it allows the child to have free access to the breast which in turn, allows for baby to regulate the milk supply. 

Don't refuse, however, in my opinion, does not mean never saying no. For example, if Mr 2 year old requests boob in the que at the supermarket, when mum is paying and her hands are full, it's only commons sense. I would say something like "you can have a boob in a minute when mummy has free hands", "let's go find a nice spot to sit down and have a boob together", "we'll be home soon and you can have all the boob you like then".

It wasn't untill I really examined this theory that I realised I actually led the weaning of my twins and not them. With the twins, I found myself not only not offering a feed, but I was frequently refusing feeds. "No honey, later....(insert any excuse and distraction)". It is here in the distinction between the two methods really becomes clear. 


Rhys, baby lead, came and went as he pleased. He really didn't ask much for me to refuse anyway. While the months leading up to Rhys weaning around his 2nd birthday were much like the twins last months of feeding, they were with much less resentment. I enjoyed feeding more with baby lead weaning. Maybe because the pressure was off me making the right or wrong decision? Maybe because he wasn't my first baby? Maybe because it was likely to be my last breastfeeding relationship? Maybe because I was truly prepared to breastfeed for many more years? 

How ever your breastfeeding relationship comes to a close it is natural to have mixed emotions about it. It is so very normal to experience feelings of relief and sadness, both at the same time. If a baby is weaning long before  mum is ready to stop feelings of sadness and rejection, even, can be felt. Some mothers go through a period of mourning for sometime after the breastfeeding relationship has ended.

Emotions i felt with weaning:
Mother lead- 
relief
guilt
unsure

baby lead-
unsure
desire to breastfeed longer
relief




I hope you are enjoying the breastfeeding journey you are on and the teachings your babies are offering you everyday. Above all else, listen to your gut. Do what is right for you and your family. As with all things breastfeeding, there are NO rules. You can't ruin your baby because you decided to wean him or because you decided to let him choose when he is ready to wean weather thats at age 2 or 5 or more.

Thanks for reading...

Louise x

Lactation Consultant Wollongong - Louise David

Dreaming of breastfeeding ~ 

Im dedicated to my profession, thats for sure.

I share my passion and respect for all things breastfeeding and birth with my sons daily.

Every evening we talk about our favourite and least favourite things from that day, cuddling a new babe or seeing a babe take to the breast after some difficult time often tops my list.

Last night i dreamt that the children were given a passage of writing to analyse for their homework, they had to read it and share with the class what it was about. I was proud of my boys because they were so familiar with the scene that they were almost bored with it. The rest of the class were in fits of giggles and disbelief, how sad that my boys beliefs would be challenged by their reactions.

I always have the most vivid of dreams and i remember them with great detail. I write here the passage as i see it in my dream from a print out the teacher pasted in their homework book....

"Jamie looked intently, pink flesh against bulbous white. Warmth radiating he could feel it from across the mattress. The noises were familiar, but from some time ago.

He didn't know how to name the feeling he felt or even why he did. 

He wanted to shoo the little creature out of the way and take its place.

Soon enough his mamma invited him to her embrace.

As the warm flow of love reached the depth of his stomach that little ball of angst melted away.

Jamie was home, he is happy. "Happy birthday Jamie" his mamma said. Jamie is 5 today"

My boys that inspire me xxx

Way to go dream land.... where will i go next.

Happy days,

Louise x

Finding your breastfeeding groove ..... how to find it sooner.

Part 2 

Apart form sore nipples weeks down the track that are usually easily turned into normal nipples with a simple adjustment here and there, the other common reason holding mums back from finding peace within their breastfeeding experience is the doubt that their baby is getting enough because of how frequently baby feeds. Once it is clear to mum the reason baby feeds so often and mum embraces the frequent feedings mum can then embrace breastfeeding with peace.

Why do babies feed often?

In the early days (days 0-3) they are getting hungry. Baby is waiting for mums milk to come in.  Baby isn’t trying to bring mums milk in, baby doesn’t know its not there yet, all baby knows is that the breast is the source of food and after 48hours or so some babies are getting quite the appetite and the small volumes of colostrum aren’t quite cutting it any more. This is normal, baby does not need any formula to top her up, she simply needs access to the breast, the milk will come in and baby will soon be sated. It really is patience on mums behalf and an understanding that baby isn’t starving; the colostrum she’s getting is nourishing her plenty even if she’s adamant she wants more.

Breastmilk is a complete food, baby uses up every last bit of milk, and there is very little waste product. Breastmilk is largely water and is digested very readily. 

Babies regulate their own intake. Unlike bottle feeding where for example 150ml is taken in on time, every time. A baby feeding at the breast will take in a different amount every time. What she takes in is dependent on her appetite, when she last fed, how sleepy, how warm or cold she is, among many other factors. How much she takes will then directly affect when she feeds next. Little feed, little sleep. Big feed, big sleep. In theory J

Breastfeeding is so much more than just food. Do you only eat breakfast, lunch and dinner? All your baby needs is access to the breast and she will tell you how much and how often she wants it. It might feel like a lot. Its not a lot though, when you consider that’s what your baby needs to grow and thrive and be content because she’s not just hungry, she’s thirsty, she’s cold, she's tired, she’s lonely.... she’s smart.

 

Baby Louie at the boob.

Louie is slung in mums arms, he is grizzly after a car ride to the park.
He boobs.
He breaths, he drinks, he sleeps.
He lets go the boob, he's warm and full.
Brother comes bounding.
He wakes with a start,
Hes ok.
He looks all around, he's cold.
He cries.
He boobs.
He coughs and splutters, he goes back in for for more.
He's done.
He gets passed around.
He doesn't like that much.
Back to mum.
He boobs.
He's not happy, he fusses, he farts.
 He doesn't want to be put down so brother can be tended to.
He gets mum back.
 He gets the other boob.
He breathes, he drinks, he sleeps.

baby louie 6 weeks

Finding your breastfeeding groove....... and how to find it sooner! (The myth of the magic 6 week mark)

Part 1 ~

I remember as a midwife, before I had children, I used to teach mums that there was nothing to worry about if they were having breastfeeding difficulties in the early weeks, not to worry because it will all magically get better as soon as the baby turned 6 weeks old.

Then I had my twins, they were 9 weeks premature so by the 6-week mark they were only just beginning to really feed from the breast. Ok so 6 weeks corrected age must mean it will all be sorted… Still no. The nurses that visit my home tell me “oh it’s because there’s two of them, it will all be good by 12 weeks”. 12 weeks?!?! That’s 3 months of sore nipples, annoying nipple shields, managing with low supply and medications and herbs to boost such supply. And two babies feeding on and off around the clock. I was struggling.

The question to continue and persevere or wave my arms in surrender tormented me, mostly during the long lonely days when everyone else was at work. The family and friends that were a steady flow of traffic in the early days had pretty much disappeared, after the exciting arrival of the twins their lives all returned to normal, mine didn’t, I was trying to come to terms with what my life now was. By now I had postnatal depression, somehow I knew that for me to give up breastfeeding would have made me spiral down worse. I pushed through, the following months were a struggle and a bit of a blur but I do remember a very gradual feeling of things slowly looking up.

I remember when the boys started eating foods at around 6 months I felt the pressure ease a lot. With the load lifted off me a little I was able to come off the herbs. At 8mths old someone said to me “Geez, they’re nearly 1 are you going to stop breastfeeding soon?” STOP? I only just got the hang of it!

My twins at 8 months, breastfeeding was finally a breeze. 

So for my first babies, all be them twins I hit my breastfeeding groove at 8mths of age. My third baby, 5 years later, I was shocked to find that at 10 days of age I found my self with really sore cracked and grazed nipples. I reminded myself how diligent I had to be with attachment, soon enough I hit my groove. I was on day 12.

The breastfeeding groove is simply defined as when breastfeeding becomes easy. When breastfeeding goes from taking a lot of time and effort, to just happening with out even thinking about it. When it goes from a lot of painstaking agonizing about whether it’s the right thing to do, to keep going. To it becoming a quiet peace in your mind, you realize you haven’t thought about it for a while now, it feels right.

As you can see, from my story alone, reaching that peace, the breastfeeding groove, takes time. The amount of time is different for everyone. And different for each baby. When I think about what slowed me from reaching my groove sooner I identified two main things, these were also common in all the women I see in my practice. The two things that I believe will impact how soon you reach your breastfeeding grove are understanding what normal breastfeeding should feel like and what breastfeeding babies behave like. (The latter will be discussed in part 2)

“Your nipples might be sore, but breastfeeding shouldn’t HURT you.” After sifting through and tossing out a lot of “what breastfeeding should feel like” quotes I decided on this one of my own. Words like Breastfeeding should be 100% pleasant and comfortable and pain free can be wrong on so many levels.

Nipples that have never been sucked on before, or not sucked on in a while (be it years, months or weeks) will become quite tender from all the sucking. They might be extra sensitive if you brush past them, you may need to protect them in the shower as the water streams can feel like needles.

Nipples can be sore when the baby first latches but as the breastfeed continues breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. When the baby first latches, you have newly sucked on sensitive nipples adjusting from being warm and soft and safe inside a bra to firm and erect and stretched down to the soft palate of the baby’s mouth. Tender, yes, toe curling even, but it’s normal, its not causing damage so its not HURTING you. This whole process might take 10 or 20 even 30 seconds. After the nipple reaches the soft palate and baby sucks rhythmically any pain should disappear. If the pain continues then the latch is not right, it is no longer normal; the feed will HURT you because the pain is signifying there is damage occurring.

What do I do if pain is continuing throughout a feed? Seek help. Someone well trained in breastfeeding support should be able to identify the source of pain and work with you and baby to find strategies to help resolve the pain so that breastfeeding no longer hurts and damage is no longer occurring. The source of pain may be easy to identify, simply a positioning issue perhaps. It could much more difficult to pick up, something like a posterior tongue-tie or an oddly shaped palate could be the culprit.

Don’t let anyone tell you that your baby’s latch at the breast looks good so it must be ok. It might be textbook picture perfect as far as your midwife/nurse is concerned. Big wide mouth, flanged out lips etc. if you are experiencing pain throughout the duration of the feed you need a thorough feed assessment to ascertain the source of pain. (And visa versa, you could be told the latch looks terrible but if you are pain free and comfortable and you observe baby taking in milk it can look as crap as you like.) 

Rhys' latch here on around day 7 was really uncomfortable. Initial latch was 

very painful and a dull pinching pain continued through out the feed. To look 

at it nearly "ticks all the boxes" of a good latch. When i put my LC hat on and

adjusted a few things, the comfort levels were much improved, and from there 

my nipples were able to heal and got better from here on in.

Adjustments made here to improve this attachment: Rhys had to be lifted higher 

across my other breast and turned in more tummy on tummy. Bringing him in

 closer so his chin is compressing the breast and allowing him to latch deeper

 into the breast. His top lip often had difficulty turning out. I was able to flip it out

 with my finger, allowing him then to draw the nipple back a little further.

  By releasing this latch and retrying for a better one, a better, more asymmetrical

(more of the breast on the chin side in than the nose side) was achieved, making 

it much more comfortable on the nipple.

Basically the point i am trying to get across is if you can be knowledgeable as to what correct attachment should feel like and what a damaging latch would feel like you have all the tools you need to have breastfeeding bliss from the very start of your journey. To wait until 6 weeks ticks by, waiting for something to magically change is silly and unnecessary. As soon as you assume something is not right, seek help. With the correct help you can have all the difficulty turned around and you'll be cruising in your groove before you know it.

Good luck on your breastfeeding journey.

Louise.

Part 2 will cover - normal newborn behaviour and how understanding it can help you reach your breastfeeding peace sooner.